People who don't know -- that is, people whose children are still cuddly babies -- probably still think that the Terrible Twos are something to fear. As the story goes, when your child hits age two, all hell breaks loose. It might work that way for some, but not for us.
All three of our children were relatively docile from their twenty-fourth to their thirty-sixth month, but everything changed in all three cases as soon as the candles were blown out on the third birthday cake. Alison and Henry have moved on to bigger and better things, but our dear sweet Kate is still deep in the throws of... what shall we call it? How about this -- the Thrashing Threes. Let me walk you through a typical tantrum:
Stage 1: Talk to the Hand
The picture above shows Stage 1 of the tantrum. I think Henry started this in our family, and now it's trickled down to Kate. When she's mildly annoyed with you, she'll put one hand in front of her eyes to block you from view; if she's really pissed off (as above) she throws up both hands. It's kind of like on Friends when Monica and Ross would bang their wrists together in order to flip each other off without really flipping each other off. By that way of thinking, my daughter flips me off at least a few times a day.
Stage 2: Unfiltered Screams
Stage 2 starts with screaming. Somehow Kate has developed a raspy scream, as if she's been sneaking packs of unfiltered Camels, which adds a special something to her tantrums. It's impossible to block out the scream, especially if she's combining it with rapid-fire kicks to the back of your seat while sitting directly behind you in her car seat.
Stage 3: Seizure
Stage 3 involves full-body convulsions, and she usually breaks it out only on special occasions, like when you're in some public place and she isn't getting her way. For instance, you might be in Target and she'll be insisting that instead of riding in the cart or walking nicely beside it, she must push the cart. At a certain point you have to make a choice. Do you give in because you don't want her to cause a scene, knowing full well that you'd only be teaching her that all she has to do is threaten a tantrum in order to get what she wants? Or do you take a hard line and bring the pot to a boil, knowing that Stage 4 is just around the corner. You cannot win.
Stage 4: Amber Alert
This is when she has gotten to the point where she must be removed from the public place. She is already crying and screaming, and when you try to pick her up she will either pull her knees tight against her chest, which makes it difficult to carry her, or she'll start kicking wildly, which is even worse. In either case, the only way she can be carried is by putting your arm around her waist and carrying her sideways -- EXACTLY THE WAY A KIDNAPPER WOULD CARRY A CHILD HE WAS ABDUCTING. So as you head out of the store with a kicking and screaming child, walking quickly past concerned mothers and suddenly interested security guards, you find yourself making a mental note to upload her birth video onto your iPhone and to forever after carry a copy of her birth certificate whenever you leave the house.
Thankfully, though, as vicious as these tantrums can be, Kate goes back to being Kate pretty quickly, kind of like Linda Blair at the end of the Exorcist. Even as your blood pressure is still pushing the limits of safety, she is ready to cuddle and play, having long since forgotten the demon which had previously possessed her. She'll say something completely adorable -- "Daddy, I'll always be your baby girl" -- and suddenly you've forgotten the demon, too. At least until tomorrow...
Oh man, I feel for you. Three really blows. Four has its moments too, but nothing like three.
Love the picture.
Posted by: Rachel | October 27, 2008 at 10:20 PM
Oh this is fantastic, you mean five months is just the beginning? Dam. Nothing like a full-body convulsion to win over the majority. Heck, now I am so looking forward to the toddler years.
Great post, funny stuff.
Posted by: Surfer Jay | October 28, 2008 at 11:36 PM