Okay, here's a true confession. I have to admit that I'm happy with the job I've done so far as a father to my three children. I'm not running for Father of the Year or anything (that will have to wait until Alison gets a bit older and writes a letter nominating me for the award, then gets grounded for sneaking out to mail the letter, leading to an incredibly guilty ending when the newspaper people show up at our door to give me the award while Alison smiles through her tears in the background) but I think we can agree that I probably wouldn't be writing this blog if all my stories were about unfastened seatbelts, playing in the street, and latch-key kids.
So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to tell you about my single proudest accomplishment as a father, a perfect moment in time when the hand of my creator reached down and lit a beautiful spark in my mind, the type of divine inspiration which no doubt led to Einstein's theory of relativity, the Eiffel Tower, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If you're like every other parent in the world you've certainly warned your children about the perils of misbehaving too near the holidays. With Christmas around the corner, the stakes are raised. A temper tantrum in February gets a timeout; the same fit in December means a lump of coal in your stocking. "Santa's watching..." This is fine, but at a certain point the savvy child begins to wonder about the mystery of the whole thing. How exactly is Santa watching?
Well, here's how he watches our kids. When we moved into our house a few years ago we had a security system installed, complete with motion detectors. The motion detectors are mounted high in the corners of our common areas and look like oversized white garage door openers. A small red light comes on when they detect motion.
Two years ago, as Alison was in the middle of a wicked tantrum and we were at a complete loss as to how to proceed, I was struck with what I now call The Ephiphany. I looked at my daughter on the floor, noticed that her head was spinning slowly in a counter-clockwise direction, and my eyes were inexplicably drawn up to the motion detector in the corner of the room as a strange voice inside my head repeated over and over, "The power of Santa compells you..."
Suddenly everything was clear.
"Alison, do you know what that is in the corner?"
"No."
"It's a camera that Santa uses to watch you."
"Is he always watching?"
"No, only when the red light is on. Do you think he likes what he sees right now?"
"No."
And the tantrum was over. Instantly.
We were able to maintain peace in our little corner of the Earth for the duration of the Christmas season, and Alison even came to like her direct line to the North Pole. Last year I caught her in prayer in the hallway, kneeling reverently with eyes looking up towards the light, whispering a request for a scooter. Now how can that be a bad thing?
We introduced the concept to Henry the other day, and he bought in quickly. When he finished with a potty run this evening, he stuck his head out the bathroom door and called out, "Me go poo-poo, Santa!" I'm not sure if they were sugar plums, but he certainly had visions of something dancing around in his head.
I'm sure that one day our children will come to resent this lie, but I'm not too worried about that right now. Right now I like that I can end any argument by standing up quickly, waving my arms above my head, and noticing that Santa's watching.
And you know the best part? As soon as he's finished with the cameras, Santa's nice enough to let the Easter Bunny use them for a while.
I have only one thing to say.
Mwwwaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha.
I was sitting in a big chair stroking a cat when I said that.
That's pretty damn inventive 10 out of 10 SGD
Posted by: Chocolate Makes it Better | December 06, 2005 at 10:56 PM
I found your site through TTU and I think I will buy a fake security system next year. The Victoria's Secret post had me laughing out loud. I love doing that at 7:30 in the morning, it makes the whole day go better.
Posted by: Erika | December 07, 2005 at 04:26 AM
Doh!! I so need to get one of those! My 4 kids are 11-3 and would totally straighten up if I had one.
What an awsome marketing idea! SantaVision-direct from the NorthPole!
Posted by: Angie | December 07, 2005 at 06:01 AM
Hank! You're a GENIUS.
I'm sticking this in my one-day pile of tips!
Posted by: Giao | December 07, 2005 at 03:46 PM
Ha! You are an evil genius. I can't wait until my child is old enough to fall for this.
Posted by: lesbonstemps | December 07, 2005 at 04:24 PM
That is classic! I can just imagine the therapy sessions later in life ;) My mum used to tell me I was the BEST cup of tea maker in the world....
Posted by: Nicole | December 08, 2005 at 03:22 PM
We don't even have kids yet and this is one I won't forget. We'll have to find the Jewish replacements (Chanukah doesn't have this figure to easily use for the Santa Cam). Your blog is great, SGD.
Posted by: Daniel Shurz | December 11, 2005 at 02:26 PM
I just have to say how very cool you really are. What a great idea1
Posted by: JSpeth | December 12, 2005 at 06:58 AM
Oh, that is too good. I can't wait to try this.
I laughed out loud when you caught your daughter praying in the hallway.
Too funny.
Posted by: Matthew | December 21, 2005 at 12:00 PM