This summer everyone's been terribly impressed by the main characters of March of the Penguins. Sure, we took the kids to see it, and we all loved it just like everyone else, but after a Saturday afternoon spent shuttling between two different children's birthday parties, I started wondering. Do those penguins really have it so hard? Take a look at the comparison:
1. The Reason
Penguins: Perpetuation of the species.
Us: Perpetuation of the vicious birthday party cycle.
Analysis: When it comes right down to it, the penguins are walking for their future. When they get to their destination, they'll pair up and have sex. When we get to our destination, we'll split up and do our best to keep our kids from destroying someone else's house. This is pretty much the opposite of sex.
Advantage: Penguins
2. The Journey
Penguins: 140 miles across the harshest terrain the Earth has to offer.
Us: 110 miles back and forth on the 405 Freeway.
Analysis: On the one hand, the penguins are walking on foot and it's kind of cold, while we're cruising in a Honda Odyssey. (Of course, we have to be careful not to leave the AC vents pointed directly at us, otherwise it gets a bit chilly.) The penguins, though, only have to put up with the kids on the way back, while we're hearing "Are we there yet?" five minutes into the drive. Plus, have you seen the 405? It pretty much sucks.
Advantage: Push.
3. Food Supply
Penguins: Nothing.
Us: All you can eat.
Analysis: These penguins actually go months without eating a single drop, living off the energy stored in their blubber. Meanwhile, I inhaled four or five slices of pizza and two pieces of cake at the first party, then scarfed down some barbecued chicken and another piece of cake at the second, all the while noting that for months I'll be able to live off the energy stored in my blubber. Plus, unlike the penguins, I don't get the slimming benefits of a snappy black and white outfit.
Advantage: Penguins.
4. Locating the Young
Penguins: Identifying the unique call of their offspring.
Us: Identifying the unique call of their offspring.
Analysis: Apparently each baby penguin has a unique song, but so do my children. Henry's goes like this: "Daaaaaddy! Morrrrrre juuuuuuuice!" This can be easily heard above the din of dozens of other toddlers making similar requests of their parents.
Advantage: Push.
5. Break Time
Penguins: A three-month trip to sea.
Us: Are you kidding?
Analysis: Sure, it involves some more walking, but in the midst of the journey that I think I've exposed as incredibly overrated, these penguins actually get to take a break for three months to frolick in the sea and eat themselves silly. As for us, our break means we're watching only one of the kids while we're at least forty percent certain the other parent is within screaming distance of the other two. Towards the end of the second party I remember thinking that I'd gladly walk seventy miles on broken glass for a chance to frolick in the sea.
Advantage: Penguins. And it's a huge advantage.
6. Narrator
Penguins: Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman.
Us: A voice in my head that won't stop talking.
Analysis: The penguins get the gravelly voice of one of our generation's greatest actors, and I'm stuck listening to a maniacal voice in my head that counts down the hours until the kids will be asleep and reminds me that at least I'll have something interesting to write about this week.
Advantage: Penguins.
So that's it. In the final analysis, it looks like the Penguins have things pretty easy. So the next time someone you know starts rambling on about the miracle of life and how amazing it is that these penguins can do what they do, just smile and nod knowingly.
March of Penguins, my ass.
Gawd I HATE birthday parties! You forgot that the penguins don't have to spend $400 a year on other kids birthdays!
Posted by: Theresa | September 08, 2005 at 05:58 AM
Hahaa...that's a hilarious analogy! I'm going to have to ask you to reconsider the "Food Supply" category though. 4-5 slices of pizza and some barbecued chicken? That's a winner!
Posted by: MetroDad | September 08, 2005 at 06:02 AM
Hilarious. But I'm not sure "Break Time" goes to penguins. Only one gets to go while the other stays home alone with the egg while eating nothing. If I left Jake home with my wife for three months while I played and ate my fill, there would be some major making-up to do when I got back. I call it a push.
Posted by: Monty | October 18, 2005 at 11:38 AM