When I'm not at home playing the role of ShotgunDaddy (a role I play to much acclaim, by the way), I fill my time molding and shaping the minds of the next generation. I teach 8th grade English.
When I meet people for the first time and tell them that I teach middle school, the response is typically one of trepidation. If I were to start telling people that I'm a lion tamer, I think I'd get the same reaction. You do what? Are you alone in the cage? Do you have a weapon?
Here's the secret, though. There's never a day without a funny story. Before I tell you what happened today, a little background. My students are what we like to call "delayed readers." Many of them struggle with the written word, so consequently they hate to read. To combat this, I encourage them to choose their own reading materials for silent reading, hoping that they'll stumble across something that interests them. Most students dread the twenty minutes that I expect them to spend reading quietly, but some have found a groove and actually look forward to the time.
So here's today's story, starring a student that we'll call "Tanya." In many ways, Tanya is a typical eighth grader, at least as defined within our school's demographics. If you remember the eighth grade, you know that schizophrenia is everyday's word of the day. One day Tanya will run into the room bubbling over with excitement about something her friend just told her about a boy that just checked into her first period class, the next day she'll enter in tears because her science teacher called her mother during class, and the day after that she'll spend her time with me trying unsuccessfully to stay awake because she's been up past midnight watching Jerry Springer and re-runs of Cops. As I say, typical stuff.
To her credit, though, Tanya has found a book that she likes, and she's actually been bringing it to class every day. Based on what I've seen of the cover, it looks like some type of a romance novel. Fine with me. (Quick sidebar: You know how blind people can hear whispered conversations on the other side of the 405 at rush hour because one sense takes over for the one that's missing? I don't have the data to back this up, but I've found that many of my low readers compensate in a similar way. What they lack in reading development, they more than make up for in hormonal development. But back to our story.)
As we were wrapping up silent reading this morning, Tanya raised her hand (a big step, by the way) and tossed me a hand grenade.
Tanya: What does r-e-l-u-c-t-a-n-t mean?
Me: Reluctant. It means you don't really want to do something.
Tanya: Okay. What about c-o-n-c-u-b-i-n-e?
Me: Um, excuse me?
Tanya: C-o-n-c-u-b-i-n-e.
Me (scrambling furiously): Well, back in Biblical times, blah, blah, blah...
Tanya: Oh, you mean like 'hos?
Me: Wait a minute. What exactly are you reading?
Tanya (quoting from her book): He was slowly turning all of the young girls on the block into his reluctant concubines as their youthful bodies ripened.
** Cue needle scratching across record. **
What I Thought: Holy Christ I'm glad I have tenure!
What I Said: Okay kids, who wants to talk about those wacky partners, Subjects and Predicates?
Thankfully, most of the class was blissfully unaware of our conversation, and those that were paying attention certainly weren't able to navigate through the vocabulary. Reluctant concubines? Ripening bodies? That's the only problem with teaching middle school -- every class eventually devolves into sex education, like it or not. At least I still have my job.
Did you then proceed with,
"Okay kids, yesterday we were learning about LAKE TITICACA. . . so let's turn to PAGE 69. . . "
Posted by: Leslie | October 12, 2005 at 12:08 AM
I've always had this thing where I no longer care what people are reading. It's just important that they're reading SOMETHING! That being said, it's more than a little disturbing to look around the subway car and see grown adults reading comic books, trashy romance novels, kiddie books or the National Enquirer. Ha! And they said reading was a lost art!
Posted by: MetroDad | October 12, 2005 at 07:19 AM
no wonder you're sitting around polishing the smooth gun metal of that pump-action shotgun, being exposed to the social lives of eighth-grade girls all day, fully knowing that your own daughter will one day ripen and get tossed into that den of wolves.
Keep her reading, keep her reading, keep her reading. . .
Posted by: Dutch | October 12, 2005 at 10:41 AM
My 4th and 5th graders found the word "sex" in the dictionary. My response was, "Yes, it is a word. It also refers to gender, male and female." To which one student explaimed, "I can't believe the teacher is talking about sex." *sigh*
Posted by: Rose | October 12, 2005 at 12:17 PM
hate to see the field trip for that one!
Posted by: Chocolate Makes it Better | October 12, 2005 at 08:21 PM
From the mouths of babes...
often come things that will shock the soul.
BTW, I came by way of Dutch and I am enjoying it.
Posted by: tpon | October 14, 2005 at 01:14 PM